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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22986811">Always There / Always Strong</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee'>Nadja_Lee</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Sentinel (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Insecurity, Love, M/M, Protectiveness, Self-Reflection</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2004-03-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2004-03-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 10:56:02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,643</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22986811</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Blair on his life, love and Jim, followed by Jim giving his own input on the same topics.<br/>[This story was printed in the zine "Tales of Cascade 2" in July 2004 and appears online for the first time here]</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jim Ellison/Blair Sandburg</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>31</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Always There / Always Strong</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Author’s Note: Comparison piece to “Always Strong”. Thanks so much to Nancy who betaed this even though she’s not into the Sentinel fandom. Thanks so much, lov *hugs*</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h3>Always There (Blair)</h3><p>It took me some time to realise that in order to study my newly found Sentinel I first had to study and understand Jim, the man. That isn't an easy task, by far. Jim is the poster boy for silent pain and repression, making it very hard to try and see into his heart and soul.</p><p>I know some facts by now. I know his mother left him as a child. I know his father saw Jim’s senses as something to be feared and called him a freak. I also know his father wanted Jim to repress all emotions and was a strict master in his own home; how strict I can only guess. I know Jim’s good with engines and electronics. I know he likes cars and motorcycles and knows a lot about them. I know he went to college and took courses in mathematics, electronics, military history, foreign literature and the like. I know he became a Captain and a medic in the army and I know he was involved with many Covert Ops missions. I know he became an Army Ranger and received several honours and decorations and was a good soldier. I know that he lost his men in Peru, buried them himself and survived living with the Chopec Indians there, learning their language and rediscovering his Sentinel abilities.</p><p>The files I have on him tell me he left the army with a honourable discharge soon after he was rescued, after spending almost 2 years in the jungles of Peru, and became a police officer. He started out in Narcotics and Vice before coming to Major Crimes. A few years afterward his Sentinel abilities again came online and, as they say, the rest is history. I know he divorced his wife some time before we met and I know he has recently begun speaking with his brother again and, occasionally, speaks a little with his dad too after many years of silence. Even so they remain at a cold distance.</p><p>However none of this information tells me what Jim thinks and feels. Growing up I was taught to always show my emotions, share how I felt. Jim is the opposite and it was hard for me to get used to that. I wasn’t used to tiptoeing around subjects or learning that some subjects were taboo to talk about at all. For one thing, I was taught to talk about my fears, my issues and my grief. When my heart breaks I cry and I mourn. Jim carries it all inside. I remember he told me after he had seen me cry after Maya left me that he hadn’t cried since he was ten. With all the loss in his life, I can’t imagine that kind of burden is healthy for body or soul but Jim was taught that a man suffers in silence. For example, from the moment I met him I knew his ordeal in Peru must have been very traumatic. Still he never once spoke to me about it. I can only guess what a Captain in Covert Ops does but I'm sure it isn't baking cookies. He hasn’t spoken about that either. He has not even told me which ports overseas he has been to. I know many of Jim’s missions and military records are classified and that when he took an oath to stay forever silent he would. Jim keeps his promises when given but I also know that not everything in the life of an officer is classified.</p><p>Even now, after we have known each other for quite some time I still have to practically threaten Jim to get him to open up and speak to me about anything remotely personal. Even without my minor in psychology I would still have figured out fairly quickly that Jim associates voicing a need for others and voicing emotions as weakness. He can be a protector and a caretaker. As long as he’s the strong one then everything is all right. It’s when the roles are reversed that we have issues…not that it happens very often. Only when his senses are giving him trouble. I’ll admit that a dark part of me likes it when he fights with his control of them; it’s the only time he admits to needing me.</p><p>I try to be patient and I have seen the changes in Jim from the day we met up until today. He is more open and trusting with me than anyone else, his trust in me growing as the years pass by. However he lived a lifetime in an environment where betrayal, hurt, pain and strict discipline were the key words. That isn’t something that changes overnight. I pray that slowly, little by little his walls will fall and I’ve seen some signs that make me hopeful. Every year on Veteran’s Day I’ve seen Jim leave for a few hours and then return. This year he asked if I had anything to do and I knew it was his way of asking if I wanted to come with him. We visited the graves of his fallen comrades and I counted many more graves that we stopped at than just the people from his unit who had died in Peru. It was difficult but I managed not too express too much compassion, sympathy or interest, knowing if I did, it would make Jim uncomfortable and he would retreat right back behind his walls.</p><p>In all honesty, I think it's because Jim is such an enigma that I fell in love with him. He’s the most complex and fascinating man I’ve ever met. He protects me, he’s my Holy Grail come to life, he gave me a home, he takes care of me. The rage and paranoia inside him, products of painful life lessons, are carefully balanced by great compassion and an urge to protect and help. Having lived with him for a few years now, I have counted many sides to him: Jim the military man, who’s without mercy and only focuses on the job at hand; Jim the Sentinel, who protects his city and his Guide, Jim the friend, who takes care of those around him, Jim the son and brother, who’s still suffering from his childhood pain, and Jim the panther, who’s controlled by his more basic urges to protect what’s his and lay claim to what he wants. It’s hard to say if any of these men would accept my love.</p><p>Given his upbringing and where he has spent most of his time, the army and the police, it doesn’t look like he would favor a same sex relationship. It would be best to play it safe and never tell him, stay the good friends we are and go no further. As a friend I can ask for only so much information from him, only so many secrets to be shared. Friendships can be forever but life partners are without a doubt forever. For a man who has been betrayed so often to trust someone who has never made much of a commitment, like me…that, I know, is asking too much. He would never be the first to admit to loving me if in fact he did. After all, it’s hard to tell if he loves me by his caring and protection of me when it’s ingrained in his genes to protect and care for people. Even his army training of learning how to kill and survive was balanced with his teachings as a medic and looking out for his comrades.</p><p>I’ve been giving this a lot of thought lately. First of all, I need to know if I want to risk my friendship with Jim to go for something more. Secondly, I need to figure out if this is what I want. Forever was something I was never good at; so far my longest relationship lasted around six months. Growing up I had no ties and no roots. Jim would ask for forever; that much I’m sure of. Also I wonder if I would want to know all the things I would ask him to share with me as my lover and life partner. I know he must have killed many men in his military days but we never speak of it so I can pretend it didn’t happen. I’m also sure his Covert Ops days included training in how to both conduct and survive torture. I’m not sure I could stand to know about either. What if he finally trusted me, opened up to me…Only to admit to the nightmares I sometimes hear him having? What if he painted vivid images to me of blood, death and people he will forever mourn? I’m a pacifist at heart, always will be, and a flower child in spirit. Life with a former Army Ranger and current Detective would demand a lot from us both.</p><p>Those thoughts have kept us at a stand still or at least moving very slowly in our relationship. As I said I’ve always known Jim wouldn’t ever cross the line between friends and lovers and I wonder if I should try. Though I am his friend, I often see such deep loneliness and sadness in his eyes that it tears my soul apart. It’s as if he’s just waiting for me to leave him, as if he expects it and, in a way, I guess he does. After all, everyone else has left him or betrayed him. Why should he think I was any different? I have given him no clear promises and no commitments. I see now that through the eyes of a man with a past like Jim’s, all my actions could be taken as nothing more than self-preservation. I live with him because it’s easier and, let’s face it, he doesn’t ask for rent so it’s definitely cheaper. I’m with him to use him as a test subject in my studies. I ride with him for the same reason and my words to claim this is more, a deeper friendship, could all be a lie to save my own hide. And God knows I do tend to…okay, let’s just call it as it is. I do tend to lie a lot if it’s to spare others’ emotions or help them. Thinking about it, I haven’t given Jim, being who he is, any reason to believe I would turn out to be any different than anyone else in his life who has used him, hurt him and betrayed him.</p><p>The time is now. I can’t delay any longer. Shall I keep playing friend? Shall I ignore the pain I see in his eyes? The loneliness that cuts me like a knife? Shall I wait till the day arrives where something goes wrong and he finally believes he has the proof that shows that his darkest theories about me were right and I did in fact betray him? Or shall I reach out now and show him that I don’t care for labels or roles? I have this feeling that he thinks I only like him as a Sentinel or as my protector. That isn’t so at all. The few rare glimpses I get into his soul, conflicted and pained as it is, I treasure them all. I have been given no greater honour than when I get to see those small glimpses of what made Jim the man he is today.</p><p>I see it all so clearly now. There’s no debate; there never was. This is more than a Guide/Sentinel connection, more than friendship or sympathy. Jim is different from me because he’s the other part of me. Yin and Yang; we’re an unbreakable circle. Some of Jim’s uncertainties with relationships and emotions must have rubbed off on me since I haven’t realised what an easy decision this is. Jim is usually the clueless one in regard to relationships; he rarely believes anyone would love him. I see now that many of the things that Jim does for me hints of something more than friendship though he tries to hide it. He trusts me more than anyone, his eyes shine with happiness when he sees me, he touches me more than he does anyone else…There are possibilities here; hope for something more. It must be his uncertainty I’ve been feeling when I’ve hesitated to take a chance on us for I’ve never been shy about relationships or emotions. Nothing wagered is nothing gained, after all.</p><p>No more doubt, no more loneliness or pain. No more undefined grey tones. Tonight I’ll tell Jim just how much I love him. I’ll tell him that this is forever…and then I’ll embrace him, hold him close and hold him safe. I know now where we’ve crossed wires. He couldn’t see me as more than a small improvement over all the other people he has loved who have left him and hurt him. He thinks I want something from him just like everyone else in his life did; my doctorate, his protection, staying in his loft. As if his love isn’t enough for me, that he isn’t enough for me. As if I would need more than that. Never. I see it all so clearly now. We have been totally misunderstanding each other. Well, no more. Tonight is the night where I’ll tear down all the defences and roles we’ve been playing. Being in love is about forever, it’s about supporting each other when one falls. No one person is always strong.</p><p>I know he will always be my Sentinel and my Blessed Protector. Now I see I will always be his Guide, his love, and the pillar from which he can draw strength and support to do all he needs to do…to survive past hurts, new hurts and help him do what he does best: protecting everyone but himself. Well, that’s where I come in. I’ll take care of him now. With gentle hands, a soft voice and a loving heart, I’ll take care of him…forever.</p>
<h3>Always Strong (Jim)</h3><p>Mostly it doesn’t bother me. This is the way things are. I’ve always been expected to be strong and do everything right. I can hear my father’s voice now, “Boys don’t cry. Boys are strong. Emotions are weakness.” And that was when he was in a good mood. When he was in a bad mood, he'd throw punches and insults, telling me I'd never be what he wanted me to be... that I was a freak and a disappointment to him. Many times I think he loved Steven best because Steven was too afraid and too eager to please to upset him much. Steven wasn’t a freak and he didn’t suffer from big brother syndrome. Blair would tell me that even then I was being a Sentinel and a Blessed Protector, trying my best to balance protecting my younger brother with the competition between us that our father expected and pushed us into. </p><p>Growing up, I got used to being alone. I had too many secrets to dare let anyone get close. Dad didn’t want anyone to know our mom had left us; what would people say? He didn’t want anyone to know I was a freak because of my senses and I didn’t want anyone to see the bruises Dad would leave on me whenever I failed him. Sometimes I really wish to tell some of this to Blair but my courage always deserts me at the last second. Why would he care? What would it matter? It never did before. He did minor in psychology so maybe he does suspect something. I mean, even I know I do everything with so much obsession for every detail as if I expect the world to end if I get it wrong... Which is what it always felt like when I was growing up.</p><p>But I cannot tell him. I am his Sentinel, his Blessed Protector. He told me it was in my genes to guard people, to protect. Him, the entire city. Guardians cannot break down, cannot be weak. They’re always strong. They never show fear or weakness. Their hands never shake. They never mind the loneliness…they do not wish to hold someone close at night. I am not sure just how deep my emotions for Blair run but I know I’ve never loved anyone in my entire life like I do him, my friend, my Guide, my partner. It could stay friendship forever but I don’t think I would mind if it became more, if he closed the distance between us and ended the loneliness in my heart and soul. Somehow I know with certainty that staying strong, staying alert, the ever vigilant watchman, wouldn’t be so hard if he were in my embrace at night, whispering in my ear that he loved me.</p><p>It’s a foolish dream of course. No one truly loved me before so why should he? Even if he did I could not be the first to fall. I could not be weak even for him and admit things could change if he wanted it. Some things are too ingrained to be changed, to be fought. My father made it quite clear what he thought of same sex couples. The army and the police did the same. I’ve never really met anyone who looked upon it kindly. I personally never minded but then I had always loved women before I met Blair and didn’t know any same sex couples. I don’t think my love for Blair means that my life has been a deception, I don’t think this makes me gay. I never went for labels anyway. I just know I love him, more than I have loved anyone in my life. I don’t feel that it’s wrong but I still cannot tell him. If he didn't return my feelings, as strong as they are, then he would leave me and I would die inside. I cannot risk that. If any thing more inside me dies I’ll have nothing left worth protecting within me. This heart that has grown so fond of him has been bruised and battered but it’s all I have left. If he rejects it I know my heart would freeze forever and I would truly become my father; cold, hard, distant…like ice. I never wished that…ever. My father may be the cause of most of my behaviour patterns today but I’ll be damned if I'll let his coldness kill my heart like he did his own. I will not give him that satisfaction and thus I cannot take the chance and say the words that could change everything...one way or another.  </p><p>Blair’s the one good thing in my life. He allows me to be weaker than I ever have been before. Even around Steven I had to be strong, to protect him. Still he betrayed me in the end. Growing up there was no one there to guide me, to help me up when I fell down. Now I have Blair. It’s okay for me to be weak in regard to my senses with him. He expects it and it’s all right. It's all right to be weak about this. But I’m still his Sentinel; I’m still his protector. I love to be both, I love to be anything to him but neither of these roles is enough for me. Neither a Sentinel nor a protector can ever be allowed to fail…can ever be weak. Sometimes I wonder when I can just be Jim. Growing up I was my father’s son or Steven’s brother. I was a freak and an outsider. Then I was a soldier and finally a detective. To him I’m a Sentinel. When can I be Jim? Jim can be weak, Jim can fail…Jim isn’t always strong. He sometimes needs someone to help him back on his feet. When can I be Jim?</p><p>Sometimes I indulge myself in the fantasy of telling him everything. Truly baring my soul and then letting myself fall, waiting for him to catch me. I would tell him of the chaotic emotions I have inside me; all the scars I I've never shown anyone and then wait…wait for him to make sense of it all. Wait for him to save me, embrace me…comfort me and guide me home.</p><p>But that's a scene that won't be played out. Too many years have passed. I cannot undo all the damage already done; I cannot undo my father’s programming…the army’s programming or that of everyone around me. In my world everyone is strong; everyone expects me to be strong. I need to be strong. Always. Yet I so wish I didn’t. Just for a little while I wish I could be weak so I could tell him that I’ve loved him for so long. Tell him that I love him with everything I have left to give. Tell him everything and then wait…and in my mind I know he will catch me as I fall. He will never let me fall too far or too hard. He would be my support, my pillar of strength so I could go on protecting everyone else, being strong for everyone else, him included. He would never be disgusted or angry about my need for him to help me stand tall and remain forever strong. Oh, it’s such a nice fantasy I sometimes wish I could stay in the phantom arms of his sweet love forever. Then my alarm clock wakes me and I’m forced back to reality. A reality without him in my embrace. A reality where I can’t fail, ever. Where I need to be strong, even if it kills me. Where I need to stay strong alone…forever.</p>
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